Marriage Isn’t What You Think It’s For

I am reading the book Sacred Marriage right now, and I have to say, I think I agree with the author’s general concept: marriage wasn’t created to make us happy but to make us holy.

God isn’t looking for a happy people. He’s looking for a people who trust Him. A people who realize that apart from Him, they are nothing. A people that put others above themselves. A people that run to Him first. A people that are teachable and allow character to be built in them. A people that find contentment in everything that is thrown at them.

Marriage is a perfect place to learn to find contentment, while your character is being built and while you focus on God first to pull you through, especially when your spouse isn’t the one to do it.

Far too often are we told and believe that marriage is lovely, wonderful, and rosy. We grow up with fairy tales. However, the last time I looked, I wasn’t a princess living in a castle. I have learned that I’m God’s princess and that He longs to give me the desires of my heart.

But what kind of father would He be if He always let us have our way, never let anything negatively affect us, and always stepped in before anything bad ever happens? What kind of parent would that make you to your kids? Your kids would never learn how to walk on their own two feet, strong, steady, and secure. They would crumble as adults whenever they would have to look for new work, got their heart broken, or had to face uncertainty. What do you think would happen to you if every time something bad was headed your way, God stepped in to shelter you from it?

If we allow it, God can use our own mistakes, our disagreements with our spouse, and the negative things we are surrounded with for our good (Romans 8:28). If we choose to have character built in us, He is trustworthy to do it. Having character means growing in trust and truth, growing in our understanding of others, growing in our integrity and honesty, growing in our love and not judgments of others. Marriage is a perfect place for us to learn those things… again… if we let it.

Of course, marriage offers plenty of opportunities to get your feelings hurt, to react like a child and slam doors, stomp your feet, or throw a temper tantrum. And as the author of Sacred Marriage notes, you also had those same reactions to your parents and siblings growing up, too. It happens with people you live with, because you are so close to them. However, back then, you were a child and didn’t know there was a better way to respond. Hopefully, it has or you will let it be groomed into you to respond differently as an adult. As adults, we are given the chance to make things right as many times, if not more, as we were given as children. However, this time, we can let it mold us, change us, and become better grown ups for it.

Your kids are watching you. What are they learning? Are you teaching them how to behave like a child in marriage or how to behave as you wish they would when they get older? Are you focused so much on the hurts and wrongs done to you that you aren’t willing to grow?

All of us who are married have problems. If someone tells you they don’t, they are in denial. We all have some time that our feelings are hurt, or something didn’t go as planned, or you were met with rejection… or in some cases, even worse. One thing I have learned is that it doesn’t matter what you go through, God can use all sorts of circumstances to teach the exact same lessons to different people. A teachable person may “get it” a lot faster than a stubborn one, though. Personally, I prefer to remain teachable. It’s easier to find a place to be content when you allow yourself to grow and mature faster.

I hope you will start looking at your marriage as a place to grow personally and a place to teach your kids. They are watching your every move. Find contentment. Find peace. Find yourself… the one God loves and adores.

As Dr. Jack Atnip says, “it is better to have peace than to be right.”

How can you change to put others first, find contentment in your current situation, and learn to love without judgment?



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JessBio200 Marriage Isnt What You Think Its ForJessica Stone is a wife, mom to 4, and owner of her own businesses in the fitness and essential oils industries. She has 3 special needs children, one which has an undiagnosed neuro-muscular condition that limits her mobility, and her twins are currently receiving therapy for sensory defensiveness, physical mobility, fine motor skills, and speech. She enjoys sharing what she has learned through her trials, experience, research, and tools that have helped her children’s health with other parents who are looking for support, encouragement, and helpful information. Get her FREE gift to you, 30 Easy Snacks Your Kids Will Devour: Eating Healthy Never Got So Simple, to help you feed your kids quick & healthy! Connect with Jess live today on Facebook!

Marriage Isn’t What You Think It’s For

14 thoughts on “Marriage Isn’t What You Think It’s For

  1. Great post Jessica, and the comment that stuck out for me the most was “start looking at your marriage as a place to grow personally and a place to teach your kids.” Our children are ‘monkey see, monkey do’and I know that what they witness inside my own marriage may well be carried on into theirs!

  2. Jessica,

    This one was a touching one for me. I was married for 16 years and it ended in divorce. I would have given almost anything to save it, and tried almost everything. I’d like to be again some day, if it’s God’s will. I want to learn all I can in the meantime so that if He blesses me to do it again, I’m equipped both emotionally and spiritually. Thanks so much for your candor in this one.

    1. I’m so sorry your marriage ended that way, Ron, especially feeling like you tried everything. You are a wise man for learning all you can now before God brings the next one along!! I’m glad you connected with this article.

  3. The fruit of the spirit becomes very apparent in the way we act, speak and treat our spouse. At the same time we have to be aware of the many pairs of eyes watching us daily in our home. They will duplicate our actions and words. Great article, Jessica.

  4. Great article, Jessica. I don’t have to tell you about my marriage as you have witnessed it first-hand. I have been truly blessed, but I had to learn to rely on God and not my hubby as the years have gone by. We have both learned that. It isn’t always a rosy walk, like you said. Allowing God to build character in us from whatever means he chooses is what’s most important. We have to remember that He holds us in His palm and knows everything we are going through. It gives me great peace in the hard times.

  5. Jessica, a book with a similar theme is ‘When Sinners Say I Do.” I’ve used it for a lot of marriage and pre-marriage counseling.
    There is nothing like my marriage to show me where I need to be more like Christ.
    In response to your question, the best thing that I can do to be even more content in my marriage is to not assign the motives of my heart to my wife.

    1. Matthew, what a great response to that question. I have learned that recently… that I don’t know the motives of anyone and can’t assume that I do. That leads to judgments, misunderstandings, and miscommunication. And like you, I believe my marriage is definitely a place where God shows me how to be more Christ-like.

  6. This is an awesome article Jessica, coming from somebdoy who desires to build her life according to the principles God gave us. God created marriage for us to be holy, I love that and it’s true. God’s desires for us to be purified and marriage is one of the ways He des that.

    1. Olga, that’s exactly what the book, Sacred Marriage, is all about. That’s what drew me to reading it. He desires us to be more like Him and blemish-free… and if He can use our marriages to do that, He will. It’s a lot easier for us when we choose to go along with it, though, and not fight it!

  7. Your article reminds me of this quote by Graham Cooke: “What if all your circumstances – good, bad or ugly – can be a source of strength to you? What if God is using a bad situation to strengthen your belief? Maybe He wants to teach you a bit of patience and perseverance? Just stay close to Him and don’t panic!”

    I believe marriage is an “iron sharpening iron” arrangement and is created to kill the beast in us, that beast that is all about ego and “our way.” I agree with you in everything you’ve shared – heartily! The only exception, I believe, is when one person becomes perpetually abusive without repentance, because there’s no amount of change you can make on your end to put things right, except to lead by example in healthy behavior.

    I think women have it a bit easier, in that pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, and raising our children is a daily laying-down-your-life event! make that 24/7!

    The Lakota people recognize this life-giving in women and honor them for it. As men, they have ceremonies and rituals that are designed to resemble what the female does in giving life, for they believe in the power of laying down one’s life for their family and friends. I’m not advocating a Lakota lifestyle, but it’s been interesting to me to consider these perspectives because the family is under fire, especially marriages!

    Jessica, I hope you write more article like one, maybe a series? Your family is definitely special… I would love to learn more from you!

    1. I would love to do a series if it would help others. I think your time with the Lakota people must have taught you some very interesting things. It’s amazing that they value “life-giving” as much as they do… very different from our culture. I also agree with you that maybe we find it easier, being moms, because it’s built into us to have to give of ourselves and live more selflessly daily than our husbands. Iron can certainly sharpen iron, as long as we let it! And yes, of course abuse without repentance is an entirely different topic and is one that doesn’t allow for iron to be sharpened, unfortunately. It doesn’t matter how hard you change or grow in some cases. People still have a free will and can choose to wallow in the slop and be hurtful, cruel, and plain nasty to others. I wish for all to realize what growth and amazing connection can be made when you lay down your life (because that’s what giving up ego and the right to yourself is) for another… however, we live in a fallen world with twisted thinking and actions around us everyday, along with free will. So for now, I pray for those that don’t quite “get it!”

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